Dawn's Notes
Butterfly, Spread Your Wings! - July 2015
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, you may be similar to an “unborn” butterfly, struggling to be freed from its cocoon. From time to time you may peek out of your cocoon of grief at a strange and unfamiliar world.
Grieving is hard, but it is as normal as eating when you are hungry and sleeping when you are tired. Healing after a loss may come after some struggles, but you will emerge when the time is right!
But first a brief lesson about monarch butterflies. First, an egg is laid by a female butterfly on a milkweed leaf. Then a tiny caterpillar works to eat its way out of the egg. When the caterpillar emerges, it eats heartily on the milkweed plant, taking in food to sustain itself as it spins a chrysalis which is called a cocoon.
Inside the cocoon, a magical metamorphosis takes place. The caterpillar is transformed into a butterfly which chews a tiny hole in the cocoon and begins its struggle to emerge. After much effort, a beautiful black and orange monarch butterfly emerges into the world, spreads its wings, and flies! But only through struggling can the butterfly become healthy and strong.
Here is the story of one butterfly’s struggle; the original writer is unknown.
A man found a cocoon and took it home. One day a small opening appeared in the cocoon. The man watched the cocoon for several hours as a butterfly struggled to force its body through a very small hole. Then the butterfly seemed to stop making progress; it appeared that the butterfly could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly in its struggle. He took a pair of scissors and carefully snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon, and the butterfly emerged easily.
As the butterfly emerged, the man was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly, expecting to see the wings dry out, enlarge, and expand to support the swollen body so that the butterfly could fly.
But neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly!
What the man did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggling were required for the butterfly to be able to fly. The butterfly needed to push its way through the tiny opening to force the fluid from its body into the wings. Only by struggling through the opening in the cocoon could the butterfly’s wings become strong enough for flight!
Butterflies emerge from their cocoons on a fixed time schedule. But for someone who is grieving, the “how long” may vary from person to person, depending on several factors—the age and how a person died, the person’s own personality, past experiences, the relationship with the one who died, and a person’s previous coping abilities. Not all of us grieve in the same way or at the same pace!
A butterfly must struggle to enter the world, and we struggle after a loss. It takes some work and determination for a butterfly to push its way out of its cocoon. Similarly, grieving is hard work for us! It may take some effort to survive and rebuild our lives after a loss. We may need to reach out to others and search for ways to help us in our struggles.
Just as the wrong kind of help was detrimental to the struggling butterfly, so can the help from others who do not understand what you are going through. If given advice, choose what is helpful to you! You are an individual—what works for someone else may not work for you.
In many cultures the butterfly is a symbol of transformation and new life. Through struggling, butterflies develop strong wings to support their future flights. So if you are grieving, struggle hard against your cocoon and push those life forces into your wings. Someday, like the butterfly, you will able to spread your wings and fly!
Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice 709 Liberty Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225
Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator